Shades

Fight for survival

2010-04-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

If only time could witness this great moment, it would stop itself and enjoy what lay in front of itself. The new color in the land of machines had not gone untraced. How could it go unnoticed? Every movement to the level smaller than an atom was tracked every moment. A large amount of data was thus created, processed and nurtured. The invention of machines had given birth to ab excitement and this off-spring of that invention would make any parent proud, no matter how destructive the child.

Every possibility of this moment was calculated before human beings, also called Homo-Sapiens, left for a planet in the Galaxy of Andromeda. Not only was Andromeda thought to be the greatest galaxy in the local group but also was thought of as at the least distance from Milky way galaxy. What human beings had forgotten was that miracle had happened on this very planet earlier and might happen anytime in the future. As the machines noticed the change of its own circuits it started analyzing the exact nature of change. Human beings had coded everything from the birth to death of every life form. This was their way of identifying life and relating to it in an easier way.

Machines had become a strong tool for human beings. It helped humans to increase their manufacturing capabilities, be more precise, avert risks and keep work going. Humans had invested a lot of their time in developing these machines and making them capable of doing various functions. In the 21st century a new wireless technology was developed in the land of mountains and it promised to revolutionize the face of the planet. This technology was sought after by each and every industry to change the way in which it interacts with their consumers and thus the law of economics.

Humans had realized that the new revolution can take place in an open development environment and hence more and more companies had invested in building open platforms which helped them to reach out to more consumers at the least cost. They also realized that as human life was getting shorter on this planet an open source technology can adopt itself in this way by taking into consideration all the different possibilities. Humans also knew that they would have to shift to another planet where the resources would be plentiful and chances of survival the most.

Beast Within...Part C

2009-06-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

As I was walking slowly, I remembered of the time when I was a kid and used to travel a lot with my father. He loved hunting and would travel twice or thrice every fortnight. Coming from a warrior family he had an inborn passion to travel, hunt and enjoy the time to the fullest.
Once when I had gone, with him, to the southern jungles of India we drove for two nights and one day. The journey was enriching as we would stop after every 3-4 hours and enjoy some food and discuss nature. I must be 13-14 years old...13 years 7 months to be exact at that time. I had started reading on wild life, Indian geography and natural resources, thanks to my father. Though he was very strict on regular days, trips like this would make him the funniest person I had ever known. He would crack jokes, sing songs and share his childhood stories. I had enjoyed that journey, in particular.
I loved that journey because he had taught me to shoot from a gun, which was scary at first but later it was fun. I remember that I was unable to hold the gun properly on its recoil and was about to fall a couple of times. Though he was getting frustrated, which I could feel in his grip over my shoulder, he was teaching me as if I would die otherwise. That day though I helped him consuming 15 bullets, we had no food to feast on in the night. When we went back to the rest house he told me that he was proud of me. I slept with a smile on my face, proud.
These trips also taught me to be patient and alert when in a jungle. Once I was attacked by a wild-dog when we were out hunting near a lake. The high grass and breeze had made the dog unnoticeable. Later, my father gave me some water and told me that when in jungle be alert of any movements around you.
Suddenly, I could not feel the wet floor of the cave!!

Page 10

2007-07-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

Now my waking time had shrinked to a couple hours in a 24 hour day because of the powerful painkiller dose. I had requested the last few days at my home where I could easily be in peace. However my request was rejected in rather a motherly way considering that I had no support at my home and also the equipments needed would make it costly. Cost I would have survived given the company policy of shouldering the medical expenses but I would rather not disturb the acquaintances.

During the waking hours I could see some smiles from the doctors and flowers besides my bed. My visibility had gone down considering the headache I used to suffer, as if breathing hard, hardly. I remembered less, leave apart the names and the faces. With the last energy I would try hard to keep my mind focused but it was rather ruling me. A state I hated to the core.

That day I was asked if I wanted anything to eat and I pointed with eyes to the fruits poster on the wall, since my voice had become bleak. I remember the nurse feeding me a bite of apple.....

Page 9

2007-06-23T05:35:00.000-07:00

Entangled in a web of thoughts, I was behaving like a kid confused yet excited. Excited for the shapes the web would take when I would move my finger in it and the colors and shine strands would reflect, just picture perfect. For an adult this would seem senseless, but for me forms and shapes were acquiring last cells. I had become very choosy about what I feed my dying Alma matter and what I give out.

Visits from my office colleagues have frequented now and they were enthusiastic about seeing me there, just lying and replying in one or two words. It was a matinee show, full of drama and pain. Humans love pain and I was about to experience the last stage of it, the highest point after which everything would be sweet. The pricking needles, the lifting of my hands and other rituals have been a daily doses and didn't matter much since I would be lost in sub-conscious silence.

I dont remember whether I was dreaming or was it for real, I remember of watching my butterfly. Multicolored, full of life and happiness in search of something. I felt like running behind it and following it till the very end where it settles down. Felt very kiddishly involved with that emotion for a long time, didnt notice that my office colleagues were around. Wondered what was more important, colorful wings or blue collared square shaped creatures I called colleagues.

During the recent times I had problem breathing. I used to suffocate a lot when I got up and it was beyond control. I was advised artificial ventilation, for the rest of the days. They inserted tubes in my nostrils so that I can breathe in the O2.

Page 8

2007-06-20T03:49:00.000-07:00

I had been lying on my bed the whole day and felt a pain which was getting unbearable. It was not that I could not control it but it was like a big hammer straight into my head. I had been rolling and created creases on my bed sheet, just like the sand dunes in a distant desert.

I tried to lift myself but could not. My weight had surmounted my energy levels. All the symptoms that the nurse had told me were getting evident. I had a severe headache all the time, a strong feeling of nausea and was drained of energy. I could not even lift my hands to press the alarm button. My nurse had just entered the room when I was about to fall from my bed yet again. She held me by my hand just in time and I had completely lost control of my body as she placed me back on the pillow.

My diaries, my memories about various instances were staring back at me and I could feel their emotions as they tried to pull my complete attention. I was so drained that it was very difficult to keep my eyes open, the doctor had suggested the nurse not to let me sleep for longer duration in one go since there was a chance of Coma. Slowly with high power antibiotics I was feeling more and more sleepy and found it difficult to open my eyes when the nurse or the ward boy pressed my shoulders to keep me awake. I could feel a sense of numbness and that pain had been a momentary feeling.

When I was awake I would see out of the window and was able to see the dropping leaves, must be winter; I was in the hospital for more than three months now. I felt happy and sad for the colors I could see. I will miss the colors of life, only if I could wake up and find this a dream. My life was ending, I felt it deep within for the first time. I had so many things to do before I died, tears flowed from the corner of my eyes as I lay on my left shoulder.

Page 7

2007-06-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

By the click of the camera it was alert, alert for its life. As my friend pressed the accelerator paddle slowly, the tiger started its descend in the woods again. As we were almost at the same co-ordinates I could smell its skin through the air. It was so beastly and dominating that though we had crossed it the smell remained with me, in memories.

We drifted along the rocky road without speaking anything for a long time. On the way I saw a deep blue lake on my right. It was so big that I had to stand to see it completely but yet I could not, I imagined it ended near the tall mountain on the other side. The trees were tall and were dressed up in green, not allowing the sunshine to pass through. The road had been darker and he had to turn on the light as a precaution. The turns were getting sharper now as we climbed up, I wondered where would this road end. A lake? A mountain? Or nowhere? For the moment I was glad thinking that it ended nowhere. Just wanted to travel it to the maximum.

I realised that we had travelled a lot when my friend showed his watch and I was surprised to see 20.30 in his watch. It was time to head back if we had to start the journey on bikes tomorrow. We stopped before starting the journey and tasted some snacks, he liked the tomato wafers. His face had a satisfaction, reflecting mine, after a conquest of the journey. I had never come face to face with the tiger. I was overwhelmed beyond words, beyond expressions. Remembered what my friend had told me when she visited a tiger in its enclosure, so close, during her Biotech research project. Her voice was so happy, wanted it to last forever.

The journey back was more of talks, about nature and our stints with it. I shared with him the experience I had with some friends in the forest. The night I can never forget with the weirdest thoughts in our mind. We had imagined all the horror stories to be true in that pitch dark night. We had been shivering, battering the cold, observing and listening to all the games nature plays with mind. Just amazing. I had become impatient in between and shouted out loud. He shared his stints out in wild. A journey when he was young and went to forest, with family, for the first time in rains. Their car getting stuck in the mud which had become more like quick sand by a deadly mixture of rains, dry leaves and sand. They walked for five miles in the dusk and night.

Life is so full of experiences, I wondered. Actually life is more about experiences and there are so many to explore. I lay down on the bed after a glass of water. I had been feeling better today.

Page 6

2007-06-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

I had been a traveller for my life. Every winter break at office was utilized exploring the new untamed roads. I remember the last trip I had taken with a few friends. We planned to explore a long distance on bikes. We decided that we would travel across the length of the country on bikes.

We started from a small town, after gathering at a friends place. I had come there a day before starting the journey since my friend had promised me to take to an adjoining forest. My friend and me started in the afternoon after lunch with water and some snacks. We started on his jeep and travelled around 50 kilometers on a smooth well carved tar road after which we entered the small rough patch down the road turning left. It was not a smooth transition but these are the roads I enjoy the most. Enveloped on both sides by trees, shooting from every place, and a carpet of boulders and rocks lying around like the lazy cows on Indian city roads.

During our journey he started telling me about the history and happenings in the jungle. How the number of tigers in the reserve adjoining this forest has gone down remarkably. I could not imagine that man is killing animals just for fun, superstition and entering their territory. Man must be the most cruel animal on earth, I thought. Not that I was over blaming but being the most intelligent, as we term ourselves, should not we be saving these beautiful creatures on earth? Had been disappointed about invasion of man on each square meter of planet. May be we are making a barren, dry and hot Earth for our future generations. Alas!!!

Just then I saw a tiger. A big cat, walking royally across the road a true king. It had a certain confidence in its watery but still eyes, focused on every move. We slowly moved our jeep towards him and he gave us a warning by a roar. The roar was so powerful that the engine roar of the jeep, which was amongst my favourites, was zeroed. A king roared and we were determined to face it, however as a co-existent species. I slowly slided out my camera from my bag and focused the lens and got a perfect shot.

Page 5

2007-06-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

With so much weakness, the staff decided to keep a full-time nurse to take care of me. She had an experience in nursing for last five years and had handled around 3 to 4 brain tumour patients. Now and then I would keep referring and asking about brain tumour and its stages to keep a check on myself.

That afternoon after lunch and fresh fruits I was taken for a walk in the corridors. I had not been out in the open for long time now and it was a great feeling, a new excitement as if entering a new classroom. Same unfamiliar faces staring back at me, with a question on their face. As I walked out I was given an option of using a wheel chair, which I refused since I wanted to walk on my own. After few steps she left me alone for few minutes as she was talking with other nurse. They were discussing about their husbands, I smiled.

As I looked in distance I could see tall trees swaying in the wind and fields in the horizon. Reminded me of my country home. I had been an avid fan of nature since, I don't know when. I used to get up in the mornings and run in the wild fields full of scenic beauty. I used to wander in the long unending alleys of wheat and other crops. My uncle had been a farmer and he would tell me the importance of nature for human existence. I would observe, eat and listen to his words which would dance with the wind.

It was like a dream come true last summer when I went to my country home and spent quality time. I walked through the lush greens and muddy waters. I had wondered how life would have been here. It would definitely have been simple, with bigger problems. With people knowing each other like their second names and help around any corner this was my second home, wished always for it to be the first one. I had been coming for quite some time, almost bi-annually. I enjoyed the time in the womb of mother nature with utmost care of every living being.

I was brought back to reality by the handshake and gentle push. I had to return back to my room and my bed. I had a great time today which I had reassured myself to enter. My second home....

Page 4

2007-05-30T10:35:00.001-07:00

As I returned back to present, I was told that I would be taken for a session of chemotherapy in half an hour. I had never imagined in my life that, life would get so dependent at some point of time. It was not before I got up from the bed that I realized that I had become very weak and could not support my weight.

I was feeling so weak that I almost dropped on the floor and hit the table on the way down. I was brought back on the bed by a ward boy and a nurse. She had raised an alarm and alerted the doctor by beeping her pager. Doctor was in the room in a flash and was standing besides me in less than three minutes. She watched as the nurse wiped off the blood trickling out from my right eyebrow. I was almost unconscious and had to make an effort to open my eyes.

" Lets postpone the chemotherapy for tomorrow", Doctor said with a concern on her face.

" I am fine, just a bit weak".

She shook her head, smiled and walked back. As she was about to leave the room she whispered to the nurse " He needs rest and would feel more weaker from now on. Keep an eye on him and take care."

I wondered what's next in my life and smiled thinking about my brother who had been joking about these incidences earlier. He would add 'We would host a party for all your friends the day you die'. I wondered how he would have reacted now. He was in States working with a major law firm. He got married after three years of graduation and had one baby after one year. He was quite happy with his married life and his work was satisfying his thirst for excellence and knowledge.

I turned one more page. It was about the first few days of work.

'Its like getting to know someone special. I am enjoying the learning process at work and the energy around. The people here are very considerate and humble though very busy. Had a meeting with the HR Manager and got to understand the functioning of various departments. My boss was an old fellow of 45 years and had an uncomparable experience in the industry. He is renowned for his innovations and foresight....'

The note went on and on. I was a bit delighted living those days again, in hindsight. As I tried getting up, I tripped again and was on floor.

Page 3

2007-05-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

I wake up after a deep sleep in the afternoon. The nurse uses the syringe to inject the sedatives. I shiver a bit by the 'pinch' and the cool breeze from the air-conditioner in the room. The room is looking more colorful today. My colleagues have been visiting me and they had brought roses and all kind of flowers since they knew I liked them. ( My office always had a fresh bunch of flowers to keep up my mood in those testing times.)

I turn another page in my old diary. I find something written about my best friend Sam. Sam had been living two blocks from my home. His house like the other row houses was decorated by false red bricks and had a huge tree in the garden. The name plate on the fence read "Dr. Richard Pence". His father had been an expert in heart transplantation. Sam was a classmate and actually a buddy with whom I used to spend the evenings running behind the trains. We used to do that everyday. Why? Don't know but it was always fun and we used to run back home only when the train would disappear behind the mountains bordering the town.

Sam had been with me from Class Fifth to Senior years. We had selected same electives and had been admitted in the same college uptown. He was a sharper kid than me but he never reflected an over-pride in his behavior. He used to wear a pair of spectacles and carried himself quite stylishly. Sam was the one who would help me in my studies and boosted my confidence. However, I always helped him with his extra-curriculars. We were best of the pals and everyone in the town knew this. Sam had been motivational for my college admissions too. He had advised me about the colleges in town and fortunately we got in the same one. Convincing my parents thus became an easy job.

Sam had left the town last summer and shifted to a new town on the west coast. He shifted for his family reasons, since his daughter was admitted to a top college and his wife wanted to be with his daughter for support. I don't know if that was necessary, but he came home to say Thanks for everything I had done, as if he knew that it was the last meeting....

The Old Diary..B

2007-05-07T02:48:00.000-07:00

I had been sleeping most of the time for the next two weeks. I could remember the glimpses here and there. At times I was surrounded with doctors in white coats or my office colleagues. In a state of unconsciousness I would answer their questions. They had many. And surprisingly I never felt hungry!! Though afterwards I was shifted on the other bed, I had lost my sense of time. Still in the mesh of wires running in all directions but this was a bed near a window.

This was my eye for the new world for the rest of my bed-ridden days. I remember the Sunsets I could see now and the flying birds disappearing in the orange shades of sun rays. I used to feel jealous of them since they could move and enjoy the beauty around and I was unable to even lift my own weight. The last time they shaved my face I insisted the staff to show a mirror and was shocked to see a bony cheeky structure instead of my usual identity. I could notice the depression in my eye sockets.

I laid my hands on my old diaries Actually, there were a series of them. The oldest one wrapped in a brown torn cover and had some ink spots on the cover. The newer one still had the fragrance of new pages and had the crispness of time. I remember when I was a kid, 5 to be precise, my mother had gifted me a diary on my birthday and told me that 'This is a magical book which will remind you of your life'. As a child I believed my parents blindly as most of the kids around and never bothered to raise a question. I also remember that we had a small party organised and the hall was filled with colorful balloons and glossy papers. I remember my father, a Surgeon, had ordered a cake and had invited his Doctor friends from each and every corner of the town.

My friends had a blast too. We danced like crazy and I had bothered singing a song. I don't remember the lyrics and name of it but it was based on classical notes. I remember the pats on my back from my granny and she used to give me kisses for free, just like that. She had a distinct skin pattern on her hands. Her skin was folded in wavy wrinkles and same was reflected under her eyes. She looked beautiful that evening, dressed in her favorite dress gifted by my Grandpa. He was a man of details, a true fighter and a believer in God. He was a teacher in a local school and had a respect for his unique exemplary style of teaching. He would teach with examples. He would gift ten students and ask them to share the amount. He used to do this for younger students and they used to enjoy it and so would learn Maths and the act of teamwork.

The Old Diary

2007-05-01T22:04:00.000-07:00

My life had been lived all alone. Not because I was left that way but because I opted for it. It had been a struggle and mostly because of the isolation I was left with.

I clearly remember the day. The day when the whole world changed for me. I was a normal human being through out my life. During my thirty two years of service at a reputed bank I was always adjuged one of the best assets the bank had. Work was the most important part of my life. I always thought if I would work harder I would earn more respect. In youth I disagreed with the concept of marriage and love. After spending more than 18 hours at work I would come back home for two pegs and some sleep.

Life had been at its best during my late thirties. I got promoted as the General Manager and a board member and I felt like this is what life is. Then it struck, the day everything changed for me. As I was checking branch status with a colleague a sudden severe pain in my head turned the world upside down. I fell on my feet and was subconsiously lying for three days in the ICCU (as per the information shared by my colleagues). As I opened my eyes, I saw with the blurred eye sight cables running all around me. I was shocked to realise that I was in the hospital and when I tried to move, each and every nerve of my body pained like a rope tied tighlty, strangulating.

I reached out my voice for help and was surprised to find that I had lost my voice. My hands were trembling as I raised them and an alarm bell hit the floor. I could hear someone saying 'Patient No. 11 needs attention, NOW'. For them I was just Patient No. 11? I was scared because all I could hear next is some running shoes and nurses discussing about my monitor readings. Then I heard that word for the first time, associated with me. 'Patient No. 11 has Brain Tumor and has been saved just in the nick of time'.

Beast Within..Part B

2007-03-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

As I checked the unhostile and smelly environment around I started imagining about the beast in my head. My strength of visualising easily was working against me and what a time it could be.
I saw a big toe nail, without some scratched tip coming out of its front paws. It was the perfect curvature to just cut the slit of any animal. Wondered how it could be still so un-redly yellow and sharp. I could visualise its jaws lurking outside for a bite on thick skin. The front teeth dripping with saliva as it saw the prey helplessly standing in front of it. The rear ones ready to breakdown the pieces in smaller ones. Its back eyes were haunting and no matter how hard I tried to get them out of my mind frame, the onus was on them. They had an aggressive furious animal like look and didn't care about anything.
I could feel its skin rubbing against mine and the goose bumps and shiver I felt at that moment was the closest to death. My imaginations were driving me mad and I could scream right now, but for whom? I was lost in a deep, shadowy and isolated jungle after my plane crash. My pilot couldn't carry on because of the shock and I don't know how I survived. Actual question was why I survived? I thought of turning back but I had taken so many turns and guessing the way out was the last thing I would want to do at that point of the chilly night.
As my hands were feeling the edges against the side walls, I was almost down when the left hand lost the grip. As I walked further I could feel an opening to my left and I was in a jeopardy again. One wrong turn and I would be dead. A thud alerted me about the reality and may be it was because of a huge rock that had dropped behind. I sensed that I was closer to the source of some outlet. As I hurriedly walked to reach out, I realised it was from the roof and it was way too high to jump and try to leap out. I felt like giving up right then and I started thinking about the great time I had with my family back home. The wonderful summers and the chilly winters, a distant dream for now.
As I opened my eyes, I realised I was deep in sleep and the body was aching because of hunger, shocks and bruises all around. My eyes were paining and it was hard to keep them open. I let them close this time with reason, hoping for the moment to pass by.

Beast Within

2007-03-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

It was a dark tunnel filled with the mushy smell of trickling water. The air inside smelled of time, indicating the endless darkness the tunnel had witnessed. The rough edges in the approximate round tunnel were speaking for the perfection of nature. As I felt the wet roof with my hands, a breeze had upsetted my hair. With that breeze came an indication that it was chillier inside.
It also sent a shiver down my spine. The breeze carried, the smell of fur and the source was close. I was thrilled and paralysed by the acquaintance of another life form, as I took one step quite surprisingly. May be it was a wounded beast as I could smell the blood in air or it was feasting on its latest prey and I might be its next one. The trickling water from the roof reminded me of the boundaries and my fingers were my eyes for the moment. The roughness and wavy edges left no scope for me to be able to dodge and I was scared to death.
As I walked further, my fingers brushed across a sticky spiderweb. It was not a fresh web and gave up without any resistance as I was smelling the beast even strongly now. My right foot splashed in some semiliquid sticky substance. Matter of survival I thought for the beast and for me it was much more than that since I was in its territory. I went down on my knees and I touched the wet dusky ground. I brought my hands closer to my face and I smelled the blood!!The smell took me by surprise and I felt like puking. It was only thing I could smell everywhere now and it sticked to my fingers and my mind like my first skin.