As I was walking slowly, I remembered of the time when I was a kid and used to travel a lot with my father. He loved hunting and would travel twice or thrice every fortnight. Coming from a warrior family he had an inborn passion to travel, hunt and enjoy the time to the fullest.
Once when I had gone, with him, to the southern jungles of India we drove for two nights and one day. The journey was enriching as we would stop after every 3-4 hours and enjoy some food and discuss nature. I must be 13-14 years old...13 years 7 months to be exact at that time. I had started reading on wild life, Indian geography and natural resources, thanks to my father. Though he was very strict on regular days, trips like this would make him the funniest person I had ever known. He would crack jokes, sing songs and share his childhood stories. I had enjoyed that journey, in particular.
I loved that journey because he had taught me to shoot from a gun, which was scary at first but later it was fun. I remember that I was unable to hold the gun properly on its recoil and was about to fall a couple of times. Though he was getting frustrated, which I could feel in his grip over my shoulder, he was teaching me as if I would die otherwise. That day though I helped him consuming 15 bullets, we had no food to feast on in the night. When we went back to the rest house he told me that he was proud of me. I slept with a smile on my face, proud.
These trips also taught me to be patient and alert when in a jungle. Once I was attacked by a wild-dog when we were out hunting near a lake. The high grass and breeze had made the dog unnoticeable. Later, my father gave me some water and told me that when in jungle be alert of any movements around you.
Suddenly, I could not feel the wet floor of the cave!!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Monday, July 9, 2007
Page 10
Now my waking time had shrinked to a couple hours in a 24 hour day because of the powerful painkiller dose. I had requested the last few days at my home where I could easily be in peace. However my request was rejected in rather a motherly way considering that I had no support at my home and also the equipments needed would make it costly. Cost I would have survived given the company policy of shouldering the medical expenses but I would rather not disturb the acquaintances.
During the waking hours I could see some smiles from the doctors and flowers besides my bed. My visibility had gone down considering the headache I used to suffer, as if breathing hard, hardly. I remembered less, leave apart the names and the faces. With the last energy I would try hard to keep my mind focused but it was rather ruling me. A state I hated to the core.
That day I was asked if I wanted anything to eat and I pointed with eyes to the fruits poster on the wall, since my voice had become bleak. I remember the nurse feeding me a bite of apple.....
During the waking hours I could see some smiles from the doctors and flowers besides my bed. My visibility had gone down considering the headache I used to suffer, as if breathing hard, hardly. I remembered less, leave apart the names and the faces. With the last energy I would try hard to keep my mind focused but it was rather ruling me. A state I hated to the core.
That day I was asked if I wanted anything to eat and I pointed with eyes to the fruits poster on the wall, since my voice had become bleak. I remember the nurse feeding me a bite of apple.....
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Page 9
Entangled in a web of thoughts, I was behaving like a kid confused yet excited. Excited for the shapes the web would take when I would move my finger in it and the colors and shine strands would reflect, just picture perfect. For an adult this would seem senseless, but for me forms and shapes were acquiring last cells. I had become very choosy about what I feed my dying Alma matter and what I give out.
Visits from my office colleagues have frequented now and they were enthusiastic about seeing me there, just lying and replying in one or two words. It was a matinee show, full of drama and pain. Humans love pain and I was about to experience the last stage of it, the highest point after which everything would be sweet. The pricking needles, the lifting of my hands and other rituals have been a daily doses and didn't matter much since I would be lost in sub-conscious silence.
I dont remember whether I was dreaming or was it for real, I remember of watching my butterfly. Multicolored, full of life and happiness in search of something. I felt like running behind it and following it till the very end where it settles down. Felt very kiddishly involved with that emotion for a long time, didnt notice that my office colleagues were around. Wondered what was more important, colorful wings or blue collared square shaped creatures I called colleagues.
During the recent times I had problem breathing. I used to suffocate a lot when I got up and it was beyond control. I was advised artificial ventilation, for the rest of the days. They inserted tubes in my nostrils so that I can breathe in the O2.
Visits from my office colleagues have frequented now and they were enthusiastic about seeing me there, just lying and replying in one or two words. It was a matinee show, full of drama and pain. Humans love pain and I was about to experience the last stage of it, the highest point after which everything would be sweet. The pricking needles, the lifting of my hands and other rituals have been a daily doses and didn't matter much since I would be lost in sub-conscious silence.
I dont remember whether I was dreaming or was it for real, I remember of watching my butterfly. Multicolored, full of life and happiness in search of something. I felt like running behind it and following it till the very end where it settles down. Felt very kiddishly involved with that emotion for a long time, didnt notice that my office colleagues were around. Wondered what was more important, colorful wings or blue collared square shaped creatures I called colleagues.
During the recent times I had problem breathing. I used to suffocate a lot when I got up and it was beyond control. I was advised artificial ventilation, for the rest of the days. They inserted tubes in my nostrils so that I can breathe in the O2.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Page 8
I had been lying on my bed the whole day and felt a pain which was getting unbearable. It was not that I could not control it but it was like a big hammer straight into my head. I had been rolling and created creases on my bed sheet, just like the sand dunes in a distant desert.
I tried to lift myself but could not. My weight had surmounted my energy levels. All the symptoms that the nurse had told me were getting evident. I had a severe headache all the time, a strong feeling of nausea and was drained of energy. I could not even lift my hands to press the alarm button. My nurse had just entered the room when I was about to fall from my bed yet again. She held me by my hand just in time and I had completely lost control of my body as she placed me back on the pillow.
My diaries, my memories about various instances were staring back at me and I could feel their emotions as they tried to pull my complete attention. I was so drained that it was very difficult to keep my eyes open, the doctor had suggested the nurse not to let me sleep for longer duration in one go since there was a chance of Coma. Slowly with high power antibiotics I was feeling more and more sleepy and found it difficult to open my eyes when the nurse or the ward boy pressed my shoulders to keep me awake. I could feel a sense of numbness and that pain had been a momentary feeling.
When I was awake I would see out of the window and was able to see the dropping leaves, must be winter; I was in the hospital for more than three months now. I felt happy and sad for the colors I could see. I will miss the colors of life, only if I could wake up and find this a dream. My life was ending, I felt it deep within for the first time. I had so many things to do before I died, tears flowed from the corner of my eyes as I lay on my left shoulder.
I tried to lift myself but could not. My weight had surmounted my energy levels. All the symptoms that the nurse had told me were getting evident. I had a severe headache all the time, a strong feeling of nausea and was drained of energy. I could not even lift my hands to press the alarm button. My nurse had just entered the room when I was about to fall from my bed yet again. She held me by my hand just in time and I had completely lost control of my body as she placed me back on the pillow.
My diaries, my memories about various instances were staring back at me and I could feel their emotions as they tried to pull my complete attention. I was so drained that it was very difficult to keep my eyes open, the doctor had suggested the nurse not to let me sleep for longer duration in one go since there was a chance of Coma. Slowly with high power antibiotics I was feeling more and more sleepy and found it difficult to open my eyes when the nurse or the ward boy pressed my shoulders to keep me awake. I could feel a sense of numbness and that pain had been a momentary feeling.
When I was awake I would see out of the window and was able to see the dropping leaves, must be winter; I was in the hospital for more than three months now. I felt happy and sad for the colors I could see. I will miss the colors of life, only if I could wake up and find this a dream. My life was ending, I felt it deep within for the first time. I had so many things to do before I died, tears flowed from the corner of my eyes as I lay on my left shoulder.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Page 7
By the click of the camera it was alert, alert for its life. As my friend pressed the accelerator paddle slowly, the tiger started its descend in the woods again. As we were almost at the same co-ordinates I could smell its skin through the air. It was so beastly and dominating that though we had crossed it the smell remained with me, in memories.
We drifted along the rocky road without speaking anything for a long time. On the way I saw a deep blue lake on my right. It was so big that I had to stand to see it completely but yet I could not, I imagined it ended near the tall mountain on the other side. The trees were tall and were dressed up in green, not allowing the sunshine to pass through. The road had been darker and he had to turn on the light as a precaution. The turns were getting sharper now as we climbed up, I wondered where would this road end. A lake? A mountain? Or nowhere? For the moment I was glad thinking that it ended nowhere. Just wanted to travel it to the maximum.
I realised that we had travelled a lot when my friend showed his watch and I was surprised to see 20.30 in his watch. It was time to head back if we had to start the journey on bikes tomorrow. We stopped before starting the journey and tasted some snacks, he liked the tomato wafers. His face had a satisfaction, reflecting mine, after a conquest of the journey. I had never come face to face with the tiger. I was overwhelmed beyond words, beyond expressions. Remembered what my friend had told me when she visited a tiger in its enclosure, so close, during her Biotech research project. Her voice was so happy, wanted it to last forever.
The journey back was more of talks, about nature and our stints with it. I shared with him the experience I had with some friends in the forest. The night I can never forget with the weirdest thoughts in our mind. We had imagined all the horror stories to be true in that pitch dark night. We had been shivering, battering the cold, observing and listening to all the games nature plays with mind. Just amazing. I had become impatient in between and shouted out loud. He shared his stints out in wild. A journey when he was young and went to forest, with family, for the first time in rains. Their car getting stuck in the mud which had become more like quick sand by a deadly mixture of rains, dry leaves and sand. They walked for five miles in the dusk and night.
Life is so full of experiences, I wondered. Actually life is more about experiences and there are so many to explore. I lay down on the bed after a glass of water. I had been feeling better today.
We drifted along the rocky road without speaking anything for a long time. On the way I saw a deep blue lake on my right. It was so big that I had to stand to see it completely but yet I could not, I imagined it ended near the tall mountain on the other side. The trees were tall and were dressed up in green, not allowing the sunshine to pass through. The road had been darker and he had to turn on the light as a precaution. The turns were getting sharper now as we climbed up, I wondered where would this road end. A lake? A mountain? Or nowhere? For the moment I was glad thinking that it ended nowhere. Just wanted to travel it to the maximum.
I realised that we had travelled a lot when my friend showed his watch and I was surprised to see 20.30 in his watch. It was time to head back if we had to start the journey on bikes tomorrow. We stopped before starting the journey and tasted some snacks, he liked the tomato wafers. His face had a satisfaction, reflecting mine, after a conquest of the journey. I had never come face to face with the tiger. I was overwhelmed beyond words, beyond expressions. Remembered what my friend had told me when she visited a tiger in its enclosure, so close, during her Biotech research project. Her voice was so happy, wanted it to last forever.
The journey back was more of talks, about nature and our stints with it. I shared with him the experience I had with some friends in the forest. The night I can never forget with the weirdest thoughts in our mind. We had imagined all the horror stories to be true in that pitch dark night. We had been shivering, battering the cold, observing and listening to all the games nature plays with mind. Just amazing. I had become impatient in between and shouted out loud. He shared his stints out in wild. A journey when he was young and went to forest, with family, for the first time in rains. Their car getting stuck in the mud which had become more like quick sand by a deadly mixture of rains, dry leaves and sand. They walked for five miles in the dusk and night.
Life is so full of experiences, I wondered. Actually life is more about experiences and there are so many to explore. I lay down on the bed after a glass of water. I had been feeling better today.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Page 6
I had been a traveller for my life. Every winter break at office was utilized exploring the new untamed roads. I remember the last trip I had taken with a few friends. We planned to explore a long distance on bikes. We decided that we would travel across the length of the country on bikes.
We started from a small town, after gathering at a friends place. I had come there a day before starting the journey since my friend had promised me to take to an adjoining forest. My friend and me started in the afternoon after lunch with water and some snacks. We started on his jeep and travelled around 50 kilometers on a smooth well carved tar road after which we entered the small rough patch down the road turning left. It was not a smooth transition but these are the roads I enjoy the most. Enveloped on both sides by trees, shooting from every place, and a carpet of boulders and rocks lying around like the lazy cows on Indian city roads.
During our journey he started telling me about the history and happenings in the jungle. How the number of tigers in the reserve adjoining this forest has gone down remarkably. I could not imagine that man is killing animals just for fun, superstition and entering their territory. Man must be the most cruel animal on earth, I thought. Not that I was over blaming but being the most intelligent, as we term ourselves, should not we be saving these beautiful creatures on earth? Had been disappointed about invasion of man on each square meter of planet. May be we are making a barren, dry and hot Earth for our future generations. Alas!!!
Just then I saw a tiger. A big cat, walking royally across the road a true king. It had a certain confidence in its watery but still eyes, focused on every move. We slowly moved our jeep towards him and he gave us a warning by a roar. The roar was so powerful that the engine roar of the jeep, which was amongst my favourites, was zeroed. A king roared and we were determined to face it, however as a co-existent species. I slowly slided out my camera from my bag and focused the lens and got a perfect shot.
We started from a small town, after gathering at a friends place. I had come there a day before starting the journey since my friend had promised me to take to an adjoining forest. My friend and me started in the afternoon after lunch with water and some snacks. We started on his jeep and travelled around 50 kilometers on a smooth well carved tar road after which we entered the small rough patch down the road turning left. It was not a smooth transition but these are the roads I enjoy the most. Enveloped on both sides by trees, shooting from every place, and a carpet of boulders and rocks lying around like the lazy cows on Indian city roads.
During our journey he started telling me about the history and happenings in the jungle. How the number of tigers in the reserve adjoining this forest has gone down remarkably. I could not imagine that man is killing animals just for fun, superstition and entering their territory. Man must be the most cruel animal on earth, I thought. Not that I was over blaming but being the most intelligent, as we term ourselves, should not we be saving these beautiful creatures on earth? Had been disappointed about invasion of man on each square meter of planet. May be we are making a barren, dry and hot Earth for our future generations. Alas!!!
Just then I saw a tiger. A big cat, walking royally across the road a true king. It had a certain confidence in its watery but still eyes, focused on every move. We slowly moved our jeep towards him and he gave us a warning by a roar. The roar was so powerful that the engine roar of the jeep, which was amongst my favourites, was zeroed. A king roared and we were determined to face it, however as a co-existent species. I slowly slided out my camera from my bag and focused the lens and got a perfect shot.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Page 5
With so much weakness, the staff decided to keep a full-time nurse to take care of me. She had an experience in nursing for last five years and had handled around 3 to 4 brain tumour patients. Now and then I would keep referring and asking about brain tumour and its stages to keep a check on myself.
That afternoon after lunch and fresh fruits I was taken for a walk in the corridors. I had not been out in the open for long time now and it was a great feeling, a new excitement as if entering a new classroom. Same unfamiliar faces staring back at me, with a question on their face. As I walked out I was given an option of using a wheel chair, which I refused since I wanted to walk on my own. After few steps she left me alone for few minutes as she was talking with other nurse. They were discussing about their husbands, I smiled.
As I looked in distance I could see tall trees swaying in the wind and fields in the horizon. Reminded me of my country home. I had been an avid fan of nature since, I don't know when. I used to get up in the mornings and run in the wild fields full of scenic beauty. I used to wander in the long unending alleys of wheat and other crops. My uncle had been a farmer and he would tell me the importance of nature for human existence. I would observe, eat and listen to his words which would dance with the wind.
It was like a dream come true last summer when I went to my country home and spent quality time. I walked through the lush greens and muddy waters. I had wondered how life would have been here. It would definitely have been simple, with bigger problems. With people knowing each other like their second names and help around any corner this was my second home, wished always for it to be the first one. I had been coming for quite some time, almost bi-annually. I enjoyed the time in the womb of mother nature with utmost care of every living being.
I was brought back to reality by the handshake and gentle push. I had to return back to my room and my bed. I had a great time today which I had reassured myself to enter. My second home....
That afternoon after lunch and fresh fruits I was taken for a walk in the corridors. I had not been out in the open for long time now and it was a great feeling, a new excitement as if entering a new classroom. Same unfamiliar faces staring back at me, with a question on their face. As I walked out I was given an option of using a wheel chair, which I refused since I wanted to walk on my own. After few steps she left me alone for few minutes as she was talking with other nurse. They were discussing about their husbands, I smiled.
As I looked in distance I could see tall trees swaying in the wind and fields in the horizon. Reminded me of my country home. I had been an avid fan of nature since, I don't know when. I used to get up in the mornings and run in the wild fields full of scenic beauty. I used to wander in the long unending alleys of wheat and other crops. My uncle had been a farmer and he would tell me the importance of nature for human existence. I would observe, eat and listen to his words which would dance with the wind.
It was like a dream come true last summer when I went to my country home and spent quality time. I walked through the lush greens and muddy waters. I had wondered how life would have been here. It would definitely have been simple, with bigger problems. With people knowing each other like their second names and help around any corner this was my second home, wished always for it to be the first one. I had been coming for quite some time, almost bi-annually. I enjoyed the time in the womb of mother nature with utmost care of every living being.
I was brought back to reality by the handshake and gentle push. I had to return back to my room and my bed. I had a great time today which I had reassured myself to enter. My second home....
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